“Stupid, slippery fucking vibrator,” Blitzø muttered as he fumbled with said object.
He and Millie were on a mission alone together. He always looked forward to those; she let him get away with a lot more than Moxxie ever did, and he didn’t have to worry about her the way he did with Loona.
They’d been sneaking around some old-ass hotel for a client, disguised as ghost hunters to get in because apparently humans believed in that bullshit. It was supposed to be an easy one-and-done kill, but it’d been a while now with still no sign of the target. Most of the rooms were empty, and with how much they resembled the dregs of hell, he couldn’t blame most humans for avoiding this shithole.
“Damn it, Blitzø, enough!” Millie yelled from up ahead, startling him. She rarely ever used that tone, let alone with Blitzø of all people. But somewhere along the line he had become her friend, too, and she was always willing to call her friends on their bullshit. Plus, though she found it hard to admit, it was a long time coming.
“Enough of what, Mills?” Blitzø joked. “You think this Magic Wand is enough to get some ghosts to fuck off? Bet they’d like that.”
“You know exactly what,” she snapped. Millie took a deep breath and edged her way into yet another empty room before continuing. “You’ve been acting up ever since the prince gave you that crystal, and I get you’re going through some shit, B, but you’ve been putting everyone at risk lately. It ain’t like you. You’re loud and brash, sure, but you don’t fuck with our safety, and I’m sick ‘n’ tired of picking up the pieces that you’ve dropped.”
Blitzø looked like a deer caught in headlights, momentarily stunned speechless as the door shut behind them. He recovered enough to let out a strained laugh and said, “C’mon, Mills, you know I’m fine. Just got some extra energy to burn is all.”
If looks could kill, Millie’s glare would be on the news. “You cut that shit out right now, Blitzø. What actually happened with the prince? ‘Cause that sure seems to be the root of the problem.”
“Can we not fucking talk about this right now? We are on a very important mission, and—“
Millie leaned against the wall of the dingy hotel room with her arms crossed and cut in with, “Oh, no, we’re talking about this. And on top o’ that, you really gotta start holding back with Moxx. I let it go on ‘cause I thought it was all in good fun, but sometimes you really crush him, B, and I can’t let that stand.”
“What? C’mon, Mills, he can take it. He knows he’s the best shot in the biz, what’s a little ribbing between boss and employee?”
“Maybe you don’t know this, but he looks up to you so fuckin’ much, Blitzø. And frankly, I’m done with havin’ to build him back up every time you go too far. It’s like you always have to take from those around you, and you just leave ‘em worse and more broken than you found ‘em.” She heaved a great sigh. “I’m not about to quit over this, but you gotta be willing to put in the work and fix that shit, you hear?”
But Blitzø had gone completely still and unresponsive, a vacant, haunted look on his face.
“Don’t play dumb with me, mister,” Millie demanded. “I said, did you hear me?” Another silent moment passed before her anger began to shift to worry. “Blitzø?”
The imp in question finally looked up at that, his hand automatically reaching for his throat. “I— what? Where’s my— fuck, where did it go?”
He continued mumbling to himself in a panic as Millie moved towards him cautiously, as if she were approaching a wounded animal. Blitzø’s hands were desperately clawing at his neck now and she was blanking on what to do. She’d certainly never seen him react like this.
“What’s wrong, B?” she tried.
“My— my brooch, mama’s brooch. Why isn’t it here anymore?”
The fact that he didn’t even make a lewd remark about how brooch sounded like cooch let Millie know that this was serious. He began hyperventilating, breaths coming quicker while his eyes grew shiny. Millie reached a hand out and he flinched, causing her to pause mid-movement. Blitzø dove to the floor, arms covering his head as he uncharacteristically started to wail.
Millie was a professional at dealing with people; she was one of many siblings, after all. But she found herself at a loss with Blitzø here, almost expecting him to jump up at any moment and say that it was all a sick, realistic prank. She went for the crystal on his arm instead, rubbing it into use since he was clearly spiraling too much to do anything on his own.
“Let’s get you somewhere familiar for now, okay hun? We can come back and finish off the target later.”
Thankfully, a portal opened right into Blitzø’s apartment. She’d never been inside, just knew the address from the few times she and Moxxie had tried to stop by. Blitzø had always only opened the door a smidge and then slid out before they could get more than a tiny glimpse of the place.
Stepping through, she supposed she could see why, though it really wasn’t all too different from their own apartment. They all lived in the shitty part of Imp City, so she wasn’t sure why that would be a cause of embarrassment. Or maybe she was just too used to growing up in Wrath, where sharing rooms with family and dealing with literal shit on the farm was the norm. Maybe city-boy Blitzø was ashamed that he had run-down furniture.
“C’mon, B, let’s go sit on the couch and breathe.”
He made it there with Millie’s guidance, but immediately curled up small and buried his face in his knees once he was sat. Millie was still unsure how to go about the situation, but she had to at least try.
“What’s goin’ on, Blitzø?”
“I ruin everything,” he exclaimed, pain made obvious through his voice. “I make everyone’s lives worse.”
Millie started at that, eyebrows drawing together in pity. “Oh, B, that’s not what I meant…”
“But it’s the truth! You and Moxx could run IMP better than I ever could. He was right, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing half the time and yet I dragged you all into it. Even my poor baby girl, oh Loonie, I’m so sorry…”
“Honey, you didn’t drag us into anything. You gave us a job and group of damn good people to stick by.”
Blitzø continued on as if Millie hadn’t even spoken. “Fuck, Stolas’ whole life is in ruins because of me. His daughter hates him, his cunt of a wife wants him dead, and here I am, just fucking everything up again. Even Fizz, and mama—“ He choked at the thought of his mother.
“You mentioned your mama again there, B. Is she okay?” Millie asked softly.
His face hardened before crumbling again. “She’s dead because of me.”
Millie felt her heart drop to her ass. Of course he had issues — who didn’t in hell? — but to have that terrible thought plaguing his mind for Satan knows how long…
Her eyes drifted over to the wall of the apartment as she tried to think of a productive response, smiling ever so slightly at the framed photos of their little makeshift family all over. Blitzø truly had so much love in him, and Millie just wanted him to acknowledge it sometimes without turning it into a joke or an insult. They could all grow so much if he were more honest about his feelings, and they already worked great together as is.
Then she noticed a common pattern among the pictures. Millie didn’t think her heart could plummet any further, but apparently she was testing its limits today as she took in the marks scribbled over a certain face in each photo.
I ruin everything. I make everyone’s lives worse.
Millie had experience with self-hatred. Not so much on a firsthand basis; she’d learned early on not to internalize that bullcrap. But she’d seen plenty with others in her life, and suddenly she was scared for Blitzø.
“Hey, B,” she said, gently placing a hand on his arm. Not enough to make him feel trapped, but hopefully enough to ground him a bit. Years of instinct were finally kicking in now that she knew what she was dealing with. “Can you be honest with me and let me know if you’re safe right now? I know it’s real hard to talk about, but I’m here, you got that?”
Blitzø sniffled and marginally turned his head, a single eye peeking out from his arms where they rested over his knees. “Safe?” he said. “Never been safe.”
That was as honest an answer as any.
“I meant, are you going to hurt yourself? Or try offin’ yourself?”
He turned his head to look at Millie in full then at her bluntness, dread seizing his heart. “Why would you say that?” he whispered, throat sore.
“‘Cause, well… I used to have four siblings as a youngin’. Only got three now.”
Blitzø stared with a pinched expression, and Millie held eye contact right back as he processed.
“One o’ my brothers had a real bad opinion of himself. He was my only older sibling, and he loved on us so damn hard, but it just— it wasn’t enough to beat out that self-hatred. And to be honest, Blitzø, I’m worried at how much of him I’m seein’ in you right now.”
“I’m—“ Blitzø croaked, clearing his throat before continuing. “I’m not gonna fucking— it’s been a long time since I’ve tried that, Mills. No need to worry about little ol’ me.”
Except instead of letting it go like he’d hoped, she pulled him in for a hug, grip almost painfully tight around him.
It took a while, but Blitzø eventually relaxed into it. He could now hear the leaky faucet, drip-dropping just off the slowing beat of their hearts, as well as the distant cacophony of the city. He tried to focus on the texture of his shabby couch-turned-bed, the comforting scent of Millie’s shampoo, the warmth of her body. She may be small, but she was a mighty fine hugger.
Finally, they parted. Millie kept her hands on his shoulders, eyeing him in a way that held far too many complicated emotions for him to decipher in the moment. Always with the fucking emotions.
“So,” Millie said, “are you willing to talk now?”
Blitzø rolled his eyes. “Stolas got bored of me, just like Loona said. Gave me the crystal to get me out of his feathers.”
“Now why do I feel like that’s not really what happened?” Millie replied, one eyebrow quirked with a smirk on her face.
“Fucking— fine,” Blitzø groaned. “He said he… cared about me, and some shit about the deal being unfair, but now he thinks it didn’t mean anything to me because I fucked it up like usual.”
“I mean… it was a little unfair, wasn’t it? Ain’t nothing wrong with selling your body, but we needed that book to do our job. Kind of a prick move to hold that over your head, if ya ask me.”
Blitzø sighed and dragged a hand down his face, attempting to ease some of the exhaustion. “The deal was fine. It was normal. Him wanting to change everything just because he thinks he loves me is fucking lightyears beyond normal, and I’ve had enough change to last a lifetime.”
He didn’t want to think about how Stolas’ feelings were probably real, even if they were incredibly misguided. He didn’t believe it in the slightest at first, but after that song at the party… even Blitzø couldn’t deny that Stolas at the very least thought they were real, and that he seemed genuinely upset at the idea of Blitzø not returning them.
“And how do you feel?” Millie asked softly.
“What are you, my fucking therapist?” he snorted.
Millie shot him a dirty look.
“Sorry, sorry, couldn’t help it,” Blitzø said, holding his hands up in defense. “I— fuck, I care about him, too. But it would never work out, and it’s too fucking late anyway. He’s probably in bed with that incubitch right now, and the sad part is I bet he’s treating Stolas better than I ever have. Pretty low bar there if I’m bein’ honest.”
“Wait, what incubus?” Millie demanded. “If the prince really was playing you, then I’m gonna—“
“Chill, Mills, it’s not like that. It was just some random dude after another disaster of a conversation. I’ve done worse shit while the deal was still on. I should just… be happy for him.”
Millie didn’t say anything for a while after that, simply squeezed his hand and leaned her head on his shoulder. He let her keep it there but adjusted himself on the couch to get more comfortable, actually sitting against the back now like he was supposed to. They’d probably have to wait until tomorrow to finish that day’s mission, considering Blitzø suddenly felt like he was running on empty. Crying always took a shit ton out of him. He just wanted his brooch back at this point, mission be damned.
“Y’know,” Millie broke the silence at last, “I think there’s still a chance.” Blitzø let out a sharp breath of disbelief, but she pushed on. “I’m just telling it how it is, and as much as I don’t trust them bluebloods, that bird was always giving you heart eyes. Anyone within a ten mile radius could see it, and I don’t think that’d disappear over one or two conversations gone wrong.”
“I’m just so tired of fighting,” Blitzø said with an exhale. “Every fucking day is a fight to survive, and adding on the fight to make some damn near impossible relationship survive? I don’t know if I could come back from that blowing up in my face. Not again.”
The other imp hummed in thought. “Well, it don’t gotta be an immediate romance. Y’all could just get to know each other better first, same way me ‘n’ Moxx did. Keep it simple.”
Blitzø blinked up at the ceiling from where his head lay back against the couch, taking in the familiar cracks and other questionable stains. Simple. He could do with some simple in his life.
He felt an odd weight against his boot where he shifted it on the floor and saw the fucking vibrator he’d jokingly brought as part of their ghost hunting gear.
“Guess that means I can’t use the Magic Wand on him,” Blitzø blurted out, and after all the stress of the past day — hell, the past few months — he started laughing and couldn’t stop.
“You—“ Millie wheezed, and then she was laughing, too. “You sure can, just gotta wait until you get there naturally,” she got out in between giggles, waggling her eyebrows.
“Oh, fuck off,” Blitzø said, tone lighthearted.
He let his grin fade as he sobered up, hesitantly adding, “Millie… I’m sorry. For how I’ve been to Moxxie this whole time, and for putting you in a fucked up position. I just… I can’t even really explain it, but I’ll try to do better, be better. Took me too fucking long to get here and I know I’ll mess shit up again in no time, but I realized recently that I don’t wanna be stuck like this forever.”
“I know you have it in ya,” she returned with a playful punch and an assured smile. “You’re a good man, Blitzø Buckzo. Even if you are a li'l shit sometimes.”